I sit, mesmerised.

I sit, mesmerised.

Between the memory of an impulse: “do your yoga practice, move your body. It will make you feel better” and the impulse to invite the depressed flatness of this moment fully into my being.

“But what will happen to my body if I don’t do my practice?!”

It’s been three years now since my physical practice started dropping away and weirdly I feel lighter, more connected and less frantic. But doubts still creep in. My ability to do handstands is dropping away and I’m not quite as flexible. Maybe this is the downward spiral towards disease and death?!

It was when I met Peterji five years ago and he started revealing the inner teachings of mantra that my mediation started taking a more prominent seat. Allowing everything to be revolutionised something within as I started transitioning from “I am here to become the very best version of me in this world” to “I am. Here. Meeting the paradox of my Self in every moment, cushioned by the very heart of existence”.

But there is a mourning process. The physical practice of yoga saved me and was my solace for over a decade. And now it’s going. I find my way in the presence of the minutiae of every moment. Feeling the presence everywhere. And there is a simplicity of this presence. It is very very quiet.

After some yoga practices I would feel like a rockstar, so high, that I felt connected to the stars.

But it always passed.

After some yoga practices I would feel so deeply centred to the core of my being that I felt rooted to the ground.

But it would always pass.

There is something. Something so quiet it easily missed. But it is shimmering. Shimmering like the most exquisite jewel you could imagine. It is the awareness found right in the middle of all experience itself. It is that which has always been there.

Being still really helps. Not trying to change our experience in any way really helps. Letting go of the control, and sinking into the moment with awareness really helps.

I sit here mesmerised.

And before I respond to the impulse to move.

In an instance.

I hear it.